I just finished putting Ella to bed, and as I sat down, exhausted from a long week, I noticed that an old post I'd written for the Fussy Baby site was reposted on Facebook. I noticed a lot of comments about the post, how it had meant something to people. I went back to the site, and I noticed the comments people had written, and questions they'd asked me that I'd never answered. I reread the posts I'd written a few years ago about living with a fussy baby, breastfeeding, postpartum depression, etc. and I remembered how much I loved writing those pieces, and I asked myself, why has it been so long since I did this?
The simple answer is that I am too busy, as we all are, but that is also an excuse. The truth is that this has been a difficult year and a half. We are still in the throws of trying to have a baby, and the desire for another child has often consumed my thoughts. It has pulled me away from other things I love to do, like writing, and I regret that. So many things have happened in the past six months, and I regret that I haven't documented them here. I regret that wanting another child has, at times, distracted me from enjoying the amazing child I have right upstairs.
I'm not the kind of person who thinks, oh no, she's getting bigger, it's all flying by so quickly! But when I think back six months, I can't believe how much she's changed. That big girl upstairs can write her name, and do a headstand, and memorize the lyrics to a song. She can tell a joke (sort of), and earlier she said, "Y.E.L.L.O.W." spells yellow. She is getting bigger, and time is flying by, no matter how cliche is sounds, and I don't want to waste any more of my life on regrets.
We're still trying to have another baby. I still hope each new month will be the magical month that everything will change, but I'm trying to remember that my life is right here, right now, with that girl and that man who are upstairs right now reading stories and snuggling. They are my family.